Romeo and Juliet Facebook News Feed Edition
by jununy
Summary: What the title says. It's worse than you'd expect.
1. Act 1 Scene 1

**Romeo and Juliet: Facebook News Feed Edition  
**By: Weird Shmeird

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Genre: Humour/Parody  
Summary: Inspired by 'Harry Potter Facebook News Feed Edition' by BurstandBloom91, and I highly suggest you read it for an awesome laugh. And also inspired by my English class. Also, I posted this up on my facebook for laughs, and everyone seemed to like it, so on here it goes!  
Warnings: LOTS OF SWEARING.  
Disclaimer: calm urself

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**Act 1 Scene 1**

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**Sampson** is chilling in a Public Place with **Gregory**. ;] (from mobile)

Gregory likes this

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**Gregory:** Doesn't those Montagues just piss you off

**Sampson: **Yeah, it makes me so pissed, I just want to push all their ladies into the wall ;]

**Gregory:** WTF bro, we're quarrelling with their husbands, why the hell are you being such a douche?

**Sampson:** I don't give a damn, I'm ALMIGHTY! Fine, I'll just cut off their head. Better?

**Gregory:** Whoa, dude! THEIR HEADS? YOU FUCKING CRAZY?

**Sampson:** I'll take their virginities ;]

**Gregory:** You're sick. :[

**Sampson: **No, I'm a piece of pretty flesh, if you know what I mean ;]

**Gregory:** Dude, you've got some serious issues. Go see a psychiatrist.

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**Sampson** likes Making inappropriate sex jokes and treating women like shit.

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**Abram** with my bffl **Balthasar** in a Public Place buying some tarts. (from mobile)

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**Sampson** wrote on **Gregory**'s wall: Take out your sword! The Montagues are here! Woot, party time!

Gregory**, **Tybalt and 3 others like this

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**Gregory:** Awesome! I've got your back, man! Let's go kick some Montague ass!

**Sampson:** But we got to do this shizz legally.

**Gregory: **LOL, You teh evil mastah! I'll send them a frown :D

**Sampson: **(Y) I'll bite my thumb xD I'm so totez rebel B]

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**Gregory** gave **Abram** and **Balthasar** a frown.

**Sampson **gave **Abram** and **Balthasar** a bitten thumb.

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**Abram** wrote on **Sampson**'s wall: Did you send me a bitten thumb…sir?

Gregory likes this.

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**Sampson:** I sent someone a bitten thumb ;) Sir.

**Abram: **YOU LITTLE SHIT, sir, IT'S IN MY FUCKING NOTIFICATIONS. ADMIT IT! YOU SENT ME A BITTEN THUMB!

**Sampson:** Yo, Greg, are the popo on our side if I say yes?

**Gregory:** You asshole! HELL NO.

**Sampson**: Nope, I didn't send you a bitten thumb, sir. :P

**Gregory**: Yeah, you wanna fight, sir?

**Abram:** FUCK YOU, sir. But I don't want to fight you little conniving bastards, sir!

**Sampson:** Well, if you wanna have a go, I'll be here ;) Sir.

**Abram: **ONE DAY, I'LL DESTROY YOU NINCOMPOOPS! Sir, but I don't want to fight.

**Sampson:** You bitches are GOING DOWN! Sir.

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**Sampson, Gregory, **and **Abram** joined the group Being unnecessarily polite to get the law on their side while trying to provoke their enemies.

**Abram** left the group Being unnecessarily polite to get the law on their side while trying to provoke their enemies.

Sampson and Gregory likes this

**Abram** created the private group Montagues being unnecessarily polite to get the law on their side while trying to provoke their enemies.

Balthasar likes this.

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**Benvolio** saw some fools *cough **Abram, Balthasar, Sampson, Gregory** cough* fighting in the middle of a Public Placeand wants them to make love not war.

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**Tybalt:** YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ORDERING MY FUCKING SERVANTS AROUND! LOOK AT ME!

**Benvolio:** Take a chill pill, bro. Peace out, dude.

**Tybalt:** I HATE FUCKING PEACE!11one! I HATE MONTAGUES! I HATE PONIES! I KICK PUPPIES! I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOOOUUU!111!1!one!

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**Benvolio, Tybalt, Abram, Balthasar, Sampson, and Gregory** are now playing Mafia Wars**.**

24098others like this

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**Officer:** FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Wait, I mean…WTF GUYS! STOP! STUPID ASSHOLE MONTAGUES AND CAPULETS!

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**Capulet** wrote on **Lady Capulet**'s wall: Bring my sword, woman!

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**Lady Capulet:** Sure thing, hon.

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**Lady Capulet** gave **Capulet** a crutch.

Lady Montague likes this

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**Montague** wrote on **Lady Montague**'s wall: Must kill Capulet!

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**Lady Montague:** CALMZ DONW PL0X! Lolz u r nt gona kill any1 on meh watch, you sillybilly!

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**Capulet **and** Montague** joined the group I hate annoying wives who restrain me from killing my enemy.

**Montague** wrote on I hate annoying wives who restrain me from killing my enemy's wall: Anyone up for a round of 'Beating up my wife?'

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**Prince**

thinks that his citizens are a bunch of lily livered livers. IF YOU GUYS DON'T STOP FIGHTING, I SWEAR, I'M GONNA ASK THE PRINCE TO PLACE A DEATH PENALTY! Oh wait, I am the Prince. So, THE NEXT PERSON WHO DISTURBS OUR FUCKING PEACE, I'LL PERSONALLY SLICE AND DICE YOU AND FEED YOU TO MY HORSE, AND THEN FORCE HIS SHIT INTO YOUR PARENTS FUCKING MOUTHS. GOT IT? Also, I just want to announce that I'll be holding some counselling session on how to deal with you anger. So, Montague and Capulet, you better fucking attend. I'm tired of this BULLSHIT. (from mobile)

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**Montague:** You're such a BUZZKILL!

**Capulet:** You're such a BUZZKILL!

**Montague:** Maybe we're not so different afterall…

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**Abram, Sampson** and **Gregory** joined the group Minor characters who'll never appear in the play again

Balthasar likes this

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**Balthasar: **HAHAHA YOU GUYS SUCK!

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**Montague **wrote on **Benvolio**'s wall: Who started this?

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**Benvolio:** Two Capulets were going to choose-off w/ my bros, so I had to put the kibosh on, or they would've finished each other off, man. Then that dude, Tybalt showed up on the scene and everything went wacko. Do you dig what I'm sayin' duuuude?

**Lady Montague:** Where's Romeo?

**Benvolio**: What a drag, mon. I saw him fapping in the sunshine, man, faaar-out

**Montague:** He was locking himself up in his bedroom and being emo. Next thing we know, he'll be drinking poison to end his life. PSSSHH. OH SHIT, what if he actually did that? I haven't seen him all day!

**Benvolio:** Duuude, do you even know whyy?

**Montague:** WTF is with you and 'duuude'? He won't talk to his ol' pops T_T

**Benvolio:** I'm the goodwill lovin' truckin' machine. Did you even check his FB prof?

**Montague:** I tried to talk to him on MSN, and I inbox'd him, but he isn't replying… T_T

**Benvolio: **You're such a draaaggg, man. Whatevs, scamper off, I'mma go FB him. Peace out!

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**Benvolio** wrote on **Romeo**'s wall: Duuude! My brother!

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**Romeo:** 'Sup. Friggg, it's so early…

**Benvolio:** It's nine…the servants rise and shine 6. Don't complain, man.

**Romeo:** Buuuuut it's been so loooooonng! Whoa! Were you FB'ing my dad?

**Benvolio:** Sure, bro. BTW, dude, you can tell me anything!

**Romeo: **...

**Benvolio:** OMG, YOU'RE IN LURRRVVV!

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**Benvolio **created the group Romeo's secret love life and invited 2 of his friends to join.

**Mercutio **and **Lady Montague** likes this.

**Lady Montague** wrote on Romeo's secret love life's wall: OOOOOO! WHOOO? Telz yo momma! Meh ickle Romi-kinz in lurrvvv!

**Benvolio** blocked **Lady Montague **from the group.

**Benvolio **wrote on Romeo's secret love life's wall: Duuude, your mom's a draaag! BTW, who's your lurver?

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**Romeo:** Love's going blind…he can't see the passion in my heart…HOLY SHIT. I just realised there was a fight here, ROFL. NVM don't tell me what happened. Ohhh brawling love, loving hate, heavy lightness, serious vanity! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, I'm fucking hilarious.

**Benvolio:** Dude, that's soo lameee, totez not cool, bro!

**Romeo:** You never understand me ;-;…Farewelll

**Benvolio: **No way, man, I'm sticking with you! Hang loose, mon!

**Romeo:** Fine…I do love a woman, she's so super-mega-awesome-foxy-hot. There's nothing that can compare to her. Except Diane, 'cos she totez not a slut :P she's the Lily to my James.

**Benvolio:** LOLOL, she said she won't love you?

**Romeo:** Yeah, she's too wise and it makes me weep and fap in a lonely corner. She swore she won't love me…THAT BITCH.

**Benvolio:** Forget about her, man!

**Romeo:** HOW?

**Benvolio: **Duude, you need to get LAID! Spread some more love around, and there'll be less war :P

**Romeo: **That's not gonna work, I love her too much…she's waaay too hot.

**Benvolio:** Wanna bet?


	2. Act 1 Scene 2 to 4

**A/N: **When it says '3', it's supposed to be less than 3, you know, the heart, but it doesn't work in ffnet. there may also be formatting issues.

**Disclaimer**: Are you serious.

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**Act 1 Scene 2**

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**Capulet **wrote on **Paris**'s wall: Montague and me, we're tight now. As long as Romeo doesn't kill Tybalt…LOLOL, that'll never happen.

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**Paris: **Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of ME NOT CARING. So, what do you say to my sick plan?

**Capulet:** You know, it wouldn't hurt to read what I typed up! Smarmy bastard! Anyways, since you're being such a jackass, you're gonna wait 2 more summers before I'll let you marry Juliet!

**Paris: **But younger girls got married before Juliet! At this rate, she'll be a 16 year old virgin!

**Capulet: **She's my only daughter! Momma Earth ate up my other kids because I chopped down a tree. Whattabitch. I'll only let you marry her if she likes you back. You know what, I'm hosting a party tonight, why don't you come and man-whore the other sexy ladies out there instead of hitting my girl, eh? That's a fine lad now! Servant! Find these peeps and invite to my party…get ready for a CRAZY night! W0000000T!

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**Paris **created the group Totally in love with the beautiful Juliet Capulet

**Capulet **created the event Capulet House Party! Let's raise the roof! BOO YAH!

**Capulet** gave **Servant** an invitation to the Capulet House Party

**Servant** Sjklft! I cakdnt reeasdf! (from mobile)

Helen Keller likes this

**Servant** joined the group Please stop making fun of illiterate people. We're human too!

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**Benvolio **wrote on ******Romeo's **wall: Come on, man! It'll all be fine! The sun will come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollars, that tomorrow, there'll be sun! Not happy enough for ya? Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, everything that wonderful…

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**Romeo:** Is that the best you can do to cheer me up?

**Benvolio: **Sunshine harmony, man! 3

**Romeo:** You fail at life.

**Benvolio:** No need to get all shirty with me, bro! 3

**Romeo:** I'm locked up in the prison of my heart with a straight jacket because I lack the love of my life. I just realised how stupid I sound.

**Servant: **Cansdfs youes reeasdf?

**Romeo:** WTF? What language are you speaking?

**Servant:** Youes cakdnt reeasdf eithasrdfs! Toodles.

**Romeo:** Oh! I geddit! I can read, give it here! LOL what an idiot, this made my day!

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**Romeo **became a fan of Making fun of illiterate people

Benvolio and Mercutio like this

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**Servant **gave Romeo a sheet of paper

**Romeo** wrote on **Servant**'s wall: It's a party invite for…oh shit, so many people, and my cell can only accept 160 characters. I'll just read it to you verbally. Plus, I doubt you can read this :P YOU SUCK.

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**Romeo** gave **Servant** a Playing with Phonics for Beginners set

**Servant** has found a vowel in his Consonant Farm to share it with his friends.

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**Servant** wrote on ******Romeo**'s wall: Thx 4 da presseisee. U invetied 2 ower howse.

Benvolio and Mercutio like this.

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**Romeo:** Glad you can sort of type now…whose house?

**Servant:** Me messa's…Caplet.

**Romeo:** oh?

**Servant:** U cn comb 1ny if u nt a duhmb MontaiQ. Dey R dewshebaigs. Toodles!

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**Servant** wrote on Please stop making fun of illiterate people. We're human too!'s wall: LOLOLOOLLSDOASOALL! I cn raite n reed nao! U guyzz suxxx N r rlly stoopide!

**Servant **left the group Please stop making fun of illiterate people. We're human too!

**Servant** joined the group I'm only slightly illiterate, but now I can make myself feel better by picking on less literate people!

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**Benvolio** is gonna crash at the Capulet pad tonight with **Romeo **and **Mercutio**! Far out! 3 (from mobile)

Mercutio and Tybalt like this.

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**Tybalt: **I'M GONNA KICK YOUR FUCKING SORRY ASSES TO AZKERBAJIN!111ONE!111

**Benvolio: **Someone didn't take their meds this morning :P 3

**Mercutio:** LOL PHAIL TYBALT!

**Benvolio:** BTW, Rosaline's gonna be there, remember, spread the love! 3

**Romeo:** Seriously? You're so…unorthodox! Be burnt you liars! No one will ever compare to Rosaline's beauty!

**Benvolio:** Duuude, you need more action, that's your problem! After tonight, you'll never need to fap alone anymore! 3

**Romeo:** I'd rather stay at home and fap alone =_=

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**Romeo **added fapping alone at home because of unrequited love to his interests.

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Capulet House Party! Let's raise the roof! BOO YAH!'s page: 29 Attending, 3 Maybe attending, 1 Awaiting Reply, 0 Not Attending, and 3 Gate-Crashing.

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**Act 1 Scene 3**

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**Lady Capulet **is wondering where the hell is Juliet.

Juliet likes this

**Nurse** wrote on **Juliet**'s wall: Hey, girlfriend! Your mom was, like, 'Juliet, I need to see you!'

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**Juliet** created the group Juliet's Private Chamber and invited 2 of her friends to join

**Juliet** wrote on Juliet's Private Chamber's wall: Mom, I'm gonna be at my blog, so come here.

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**Lady Capulet:** I have some important info…GTFO, Nurse.

**Juliet:** Fuck you, mom, the nurse is more of a mother to me than you.

**Lady Capulet:** Nvm, Nurse n-n You know my daughter is ripe to be married.

**Nurse:** 'Course, puuurty-lady! You're, like, almost fourteen! *SQUEE* Your b-day's totally on Llama Day! LOL.

**Lady Capulet:** Yes, we get the point.

**Nurse:** Awww, I remember my daughter Susan, she wuz, like, totally KEWT! If she was still alive today, they'd totally be BFFLs 3 There was, like, and earthquake, on Juliet's B-day. OMG, my memory is, like, totally awesum! LOL. I remember that time where she, like, fell on her head, and then my husband, was totally like, 'When you grow up, your gonna be falling on your back 'cos you'll be having SEX!'. And we were like, LULZ, that's awesum, rite? Rawr! You're such a beast, Juliet :P

**Lady Capulet:** STFU.

**Nurse:** Sure thing, missus, but like, I think this is, like, totally hilarious! She totally had this wicked bump on her forehead, and my BF was all 'LOL, you'll be falling on your back 'cos you'll be having SEX!' and we wuz all like, 'ROFL'.

**Juliet:** STFU.

**Nurse:** Oh fine, girly! You were, like, the sexiest baby I've evar seen, like, totally! I want to see you, like, find your prince charming ;)

**Lady Capulet:** That brings me to my point. Juliet, how do you feel about being married?

**Juliet:** That's for me to know and you to find out.

**Lady Capulet:** There's a bunch of other girls younger than you who are married and have kids. Anyways, Paris wants to marry you.

**Juliet:** They're fucking sluts.

**Nurse:** Oh puurrr-lease! Paris is like, the Brad Pitt of Veronians! He's like, so hot and beasty, it's like RAWR! He's bringing sexy back!

**Lady Capulet:** Sure…Paris is like a book, with all the knowledge and money and smarts, and you're like…the book cover, so everyone judges what's inside of you by your appearance! Plus, your social esteem will sky rocket :D

**Nurse:** And you'll be, like, all preggy, and we can like, go baby coth shopping! Wheee!

**Lady Capulet:** Just tell me if you can love Paris or not?

**Juliet:** That's for me to know and you to find out!

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**Servingman** wrote on Juliet's Private Chamber's wall: Paris is here! Nurse, we need you to clean up the food. Just lick it off the floor like usual.

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**Lady Capulet:** Alright, let's go Juliet. Paris is waiting.

**Nurse:** You go girl! Have fun like the party animal you are! W00t!

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**Juliet** became a fan of Giving your parents ambiguous answers to confuse them

Nurse likes this

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**Nurse:** LMFAO! You da best :D

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**Juliet** is now attending Capulet House Party! Let's raise the roof! BOO YAH!

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**Act 1 Scene 4**

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**Romeo** is loitering aimlessly in front of Capulet's House with **Benvolio** and **Mercutio** (from mobile)

Torch-bearers, Benvolio, and Mercutio like this.

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**Torch-bearers:** YAY! Our only role in the play! We luv you!

**Romeo:** Sure thing…btw, shouldn't we make a speech to complement our hosts?

**Benvolio:** No way, man, don't be such a drag! We'll have a blast! 3

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**Romeo **removed Grinding with his friends at an insane party from his Interests

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**Mercutio: **WHAT THE HELL? You must dance! You've got kick-ass breakdancing skillz!

**Romeo:** No…I'm too fat and heavy to dance…

**Mercutio:** O right, I forgot, you're morbidly obese. Then use Cupid's Wings!

**Romeo:** DUDE! I weight 984 pounds! Even Cupid's Wings would have trouble lifting me! I'll drown in feathers and my tears…

**Mercutio:** If you don't start dieting, you'll be a fucking burden on me. Literally.

**Romeo:** It's not my fault! I ate chocolates and fapped all Saturday, because of the stupid mother fucker named LOVE.

**Mercutio:** You've got to stand up to LOVE! Show him who's boss!

**Benvolio:** C'mon, we've got to go to the party…3

**Romeo:** I told you, I need a fucking torch to burn off all the Calories and Fat I ate while mopping.

**Mercutio:** OMG ROMEO. Why are you being such a stick in the mud? Let's go!

**Romeo:** I'm a human on the lawn…

**Mercutio:** FUCK YOU. We're going to be late!

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**Romeo** joined the group I am a Seer – respect my wishes or you'll fucking DIE.

**Romeo **wrote on I am a Seer – respect my wishes or you'll fucking DIE's wall: So, I dreamt a dream last night…

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**Mercutio:** LOLOL SEXY DREAMS :P I had one too last night ;)

**Romeo:** Srsly? What was it about?

**Mercutio:** That you were gonna get laid tonight! (LOL THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN)

**Romeo:** In bed! But srsly, dreamers do sometimes dream the truth…

**Mercutio: **OMG, you little perv, I see that Queen Mab has been w/ you. She's the fairy of wet dreams, the size of a Knut ;) She has grasshopper's wings and dresses made out of netting and a whip xDD She goes around to people's houses and gives them dreams for the night, like lover's dream of love, courtiers dream of petticoat-wearing ladies, lawyers dream of paying whores money, ladies dream of Leonardo diCaprio, and parson's dream of nunneries. The creepiest bit is, she lets soldiers dream of dead bodies and necrophilia…! Queen Mab is such a little slut who just wants to piss the shit out of everyone…that hag also teaches women how to go through labor and shit. That little –

**Romeo:** STFU.

**Mercutio:** Taking away my cell won't help that much :P

**Benvolio:** OMG, this is where you were. COME ON! They already finished supper, not that you need it, Fatty Romeo. 3

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**Romeo **wrote on I am a Seer – respect my wishes or you'll fucking DIE's wall: Anyways, if there's any experts out there, I just want to say, I dreamed that I shouldn't go to this kick-ass party tonight, 'cos something will happen that start a series of unfortunate event, and then someone will die…

Sybill Trelawney likes this

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**Sybill Trelawney:** My dear! You've experienced clairvoyance! I shall check my Crystal Ball of Truth…OMG…you…you have…THE GRIM! AHHHH! Y-you'll d-die!

**Hermione Granger:** STFU YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Dx Don't worry Romeo, you'll live a long and happy life with you lover. Now go to that party and prove this phoney hag wrong!

**Benvolio:** Let's go, man! Listen to this clever lady-friend! 3


	3. Act 1 Scene 5

**A/N:** I'm glad you guys all like this 'story' and it made you laugh. Thanks for the reviews and story alerts and favoriting.

Also:** briellinda **it's alright, don't worry (I'm actually really honoured) If you want more modern Romeo and Juliet, I suggest you watch Baz Lurrmann's (sp?) version of R&J with Leonardo diCaprio as Romeo.

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**Act 1 Scene 5**

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**Servingman Alpha** wrote on Capulet House Party! Let's raise the roof! BOO YAH!'s wall: Yo, dudes, where the hell's Potpan? He's supposed to clean up the frigging dishes…

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**Servingman Beta**: He's being a douche and not helping…that manner less git.

**Servingman Alpha:** well, help me then! Take away the plates and shit.

**Servingman Potpan:** LOL, I luff mai nickname. Was up?

**Servingman Alpha:** you're wanted in the main hall, go there. Nao.

**Servingman Potpan:** I WAS JUST THERE YOU GIANT ASS FUCK.

**Servingman Quatro:** LOL, we'd better haul butt.

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**Capulet** wrote on Capulet House Party! Let's raise the roof! BOO YAH!'s wall: Welcome everyone :D to my awesome party! If you have feet, then let us dance and drink till the sun rises again, and we have terrible hangovers and insomnia form lack of sleep. Let's give a hearty welcome to DJ BOB! Can I get a woot woot?

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**DJ Bob:** So how much is this gig?

**Capulet:** Anyway, let's get this party started. WHOOOT! I'm so awesome, and I'm hosting this kick ass party. OMG, I love this song, Justin Bieber is da bestest! What about you, Cousin Capulet?

**Cousin Capulet:** I'm not impressed. JB is a FAIL.

**Capulet:** Last time we partied, you were really letting loose on JB's One Time.

**Cousin Capulet:** Last time we partied, JB didn't even exist.

**Capulet:** You don't say so! Then what song was it? O_O

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**Romeo **wrote on **Servingman**'s wall: Yo, who's that girl with the really nice hands?

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**Servingman:** I'm blind. I have no clue who you're talking about.

**Romeo:** LOL you're missing out on soo much :P wait…how the hell can you type and read my messages?

**Servingman:** I lied. Go to hell.

**Romeo:** She's brighter than fire and the starts in the sky! Shinier than a jewel in some Ethopian's ear! I just want to take her beauty and wrap it up in a box, hide it from the world and dust it everyday. She's the dove that the murder of crows attacks for food. You know what, I'm going to walk over to her and hold her hand. I'm actually going to do it. Yo, you ready for this? I'm seriously gonna just stride across the room and hold her hand. I'm gonna do it! Forget Rosaline Schmosaline, this girl is the prettiest person I've ever seen (after me of course LOL)

**Servingman:** WTF are you still talking to me? Piss off.

* * *

**Tybalt** THINKS HE JUST SPOTTED THAT MOTHER FUCKER MONTAGUE TEXTING AT OUR FUCKING PARTY. THAT CHUBBY LITTLE FUCK NEEDS TO PUT AWAY HIS FUCKING PHONE AND STOP MAKING A FUCKERY OF THIS FUCKING PARTY. I'M GOING TO EAT HIM AND SHIT HIM OUT FOR SUPPER! (from mobile)

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**Capulet: **What the hell? Stop being such a CAPSLOCK HARRY :/

**Tybalt:** YO CAPULET, WHY YOU SUCH A FUCKING HYPOCRITE? THAT BOY IS A FUCKING MONTAGUE! LET'S KILL HIM, RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW! WHOOO!

**Capulet:** Romeo, innit?

**Tybalt:** YES THAT MONKEY FUCKING BASTARD!

**Capulet:** Take a few shots and calm down. Romeo's a fine boy. If you're going to kill him, please, don't do it now. I don't want to spend the whole night cleaning up blood. Let's turn that frown upside down!

**Tybalt:** FUCK THAT SHIT. I CAN'T FUCKING STAND HIM.

**Capulet:** You will fucking stand him. I am the master of this house, not you! I so do not need a rebellion at my party right now. And seriously, stop using ALL CAPS :[

**Tybalt:** FUCK YOU TO THE SEVENTH LAYER OF HELL.

**Capulet:** Ohkay, you little bastard, if you're going to kill him, you are going to lick EVERY FUCKING DROP OF BLOOD off my carpet, walls and furniture. Now, be a dear, and ENJOY MY FUCKING PARTY.

**Tybalt:** IF YOU ARE GOING TO FORCE ME TO NOT GIVE IN TO MY PSYCOPATHIC TENDENCIES, I WILL MAKE SURE THERE WILL BE BLOODSHED IN THE FUTURE!111ONE!

* * *

**Tybalt** became a fan of Murdering people I really hate and Unnecessary Caplocks and Swearing to his interests.

* * *

**Romeo** I'm actually going to do it! SQUEEE! (from mobile)

* * *

**Romeo **and **Juliet** are now friends

* * *

**Romeo **wrote on **Juliet**'s wall: See that line on your hand? It's a river. The bunny is on the other side of the river and he can't cross it :3

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**Juliet:** Oookay, so how does the bunny cross the river?

**Romeo:** I don't know, I just wanted to hold your hand! X3

**Juliet:** Aww…you're priceless! It's okay, you can hold my hand :D

**Romeo:** So, did it hurt?

**Juliet:** Did what hurt?

**Romeo:** When you fell out of heaven!

**Juliet:** Well, I am a saint ;)

**Romeo:** I'm glad you're religious, 'cos you're the answers to all my prayers 2

**Juliet: **What are your prayers?

**Romeo: **Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?

**Juliet:** *blushes* Well…

* * *

**Romeo** gave **Juliet** a kiss.

Juliet likes this

_Comments…view all_

**Juliet: **Aren't saints not supposed to kiss?

**Romeo:** Who gives a shit? Let's do that again!

* * *

**Romeo** gave **Juliet** a 5 minute snogfest that involves an elevator

Juliet likes this

_Comments…view all_

**Juliet: **Did you read an instruction manual on how to kiss?

**Romeo:** Yeah, I did. It was in this Lily and James fic I read.

**Nurse:** OMG! Jules, ur mum wantz to have a girl to girl talk ;)

**Romeo:** Wait, who's her mother?

**Nurse:** Like, only the lady of this mansion! She's like, the daughter of the fairest of them all and she's totally loaded!

* * *

**Romeo** joined the group I used a bad pick-up line and survived

* * *

**Romeo** is royally fucked in his relationship choices (from mobile)

_Comments…view all_

**Benvolio:** Let's go, man, this party's dying…and Mercutio is so high…3 LOLOL how was Rosaline ;)

* * *

**Juliet** wrote on **Nurse**'s wall: Who was that dude covered in feathers?

_Comments…view all_

**Nurse:** Tiberio's only son. Tiberio's so, like, screwed xD His son is a totez nerd

**Juliet:** What about that guy who's leaving?

**Nurse:** Petruchio, Pinocchio's widdle brother

**Juliet:** And that guy over there? His last name wasn't on his FB name…

**Nurse:** I dunno?

**Juliet:** You're so useless. Go ask his name =_= I'm gonna kill myself if I can't marry him!

* * *

**Nurse** wrote on **Juliet**'s wall: LOLOLOL You'll haft a kill yourself 'cos he's, like, totally, a MONTAGUE! But he's a totez hottie :P

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**Juliet:** FML.

**Nurse:** Awww, poor baby!

* * *

**Chorus **why the hell were we not included at the beginning? HUH? WE'RE IMPORTANT, especially since we get to say 'fatal loins' and make some people giggle incessantly. *cough* Bastard. You know what? For your punishment, we're gonna spoil the fucking play for you. ROMEO DIES, JULIET DIES, PARIS DIES, TYBALT DIES, MERCUTIO DIES. HAHAHAHAHA! PWN'D. (from mobile)

_Comments…view all_

**God: **LOL, too bad you don't have anyone 'cept me on your friends list :P

**Chorus:** Go to hell, oh wait, you're already there! BUUUURRN.

**God:** Shaddup.


	4. Act 2 Scene 1 to 2

**A/N: **Once again, formattin is being a HUGE douchebag. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! You are all totally awesome, and will succeed in life.

PS; the '3' are actually less than threes, but ff won't show the less than part.

* * *

**Act 2 Scene 1**

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**Romeo** Ditching my friends :D See ya LOSERS! (from mobile)

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**Benvolio** wrote on **Romeo**'s wall: ROMEO 3

**Benvolio** wrote on **Romeo**'s wall: ROMEO 3

**Benvolio** wrote on **Romeo**'s wall: ROMEO 3

**Benvolio** wrote on **Romeo**'s wall: ROMEO 3

**Benvolio** wrote on **Romeo**'s wall: ROMEO 3

* * *

**Mercutio** wrote on **Benvolio**'s wall: STFU PL0X. You're clogging up my newsfeed you little shit. He prob went home =_=

_Comments...view all_

**Benvolio:** Naww did you see his status, duuude? 3

**Mercutio:** I can do this. I'm a WIZARD! ACCIO ROMEO! ACCIO MY DOUCHEBAG FRIEND! ACCIO DOUBLE STUFF! Oh c'mon srsly…Accio Rosaline? THAT DEAD MONKEY SHIT. Why the hell is not coming? C'mon **Romeo**! I even fucking tagged him D:

**Benvolio:** Duuude, not cool, Romeo's gonna flip out 3

**Mercutio:** You'd think he'd be fucking Rosaline :/ I'm kinda disappointed.

**Benvolio:** That's vulgar, mannn. He's prob hiding in the trees like the creeper he is, blinded by love 3

**Mercutio: **If his love is blind, then he'll never get a girl :P He probably wishes his mistress was a rotten orange horse flower. And he was a pop'rin pear…=_= isn't that a fruit imagery set? Anywho, nighty night Romeo. Let's go Benvolio. WE KNOW YOU STALK OUR WALL TO WALLS ROMEO :D

**Benvolio:** Yeahh dude, Romeo's not gonna come anytime soonnn. That looooser. 3

* * *

Act 2 Scene 2

* * *

**Romeo** is stalking the love of his life and pissed at his so called BFFLs for being douches, because I totally did not stalk their wall to wall D: (from mobile)

**Romeo** wishes Juliet would come out of her hermit hole and shine like sun brightly upon the night sky and murder those damn stars because they'll never be as pretty as she (from mobile)

**Romeo** wonders why no one is commenting or liking his poetic statuses /:| (from mobile)

**Romeo** OMG, JULIET IS WALKING OUTSIDE. OMGOMGOGM! And she's leaning on the railing…now she blinked…and she's moving her hand….but to where? Ohh, to her cheek. Nice choice. Those baby butt soft cheeks, I wish I could stroke it….omg, she's sighing now. (from mobile)

**Romeo** BTW, I'm not a stalker. (from mobile)

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Juliet His name is Romeo? Srsly, why the hell did his dad name him that? It's the fugliest name in the world. You know what, I'll love him only if he changes his name to something sexy, like, Marley or whatev. (from mobile)

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Romeo Aww, how romantic. Should I write on her wall? (from mobile)

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**Juliet **And seriously, God, you made him a fucking Montague! What a douche. You know, what, FUCK YOU FATE. He's still totally awesome though. I'm actually gonna go and make this huge metaphor because I'm that upset about his whole situation. If roses were called Horseshit, it would still smell like roses, not Horseshit, although we would probably be calling the smell horseshit, and horse shit will actually be called roses and roses will then therefore smell crappy, but whatever. Oh Romeo, keep your perfectness, except, change your name pl0x. You could name yourself Juliet. That's a pretty name. Just saying. (from mobile)

**Juliet** added using metaphors and deep stuff to express my inner angst to her interests

* * *

Romeo wrote on **Juliet**'s wall: BOO! I'M AWAKE YO! ;)

_Comments...view all_

**Juliet:** AFASKJFASK:LJ!

**Juliet:** Sorry, button mashed. I was kinda freaked out when you leaped outta the shadows…

**Romeo:** It's me, Romeo!

**Romeo:** Do you see me? I'm waving at you! And commenting at the same time :D

**Juliet:** I know, I'm not an idiot, your screen name says Romeo.

**Romeo:** Yeah, that's me!

**Juliet:** So, wtf are you doing here? The orchard walls were specifically designed to keep out people like you, and plus, my bffls will murder you when they see you. No joke.

**Romeo:** I flew over the walls on Love's feathery, shimmery, white, happy, awesome, rainbow wings, because the walls around your mansion cannot keep me out, because with Love's power on my side, I will always find a way to cross those dangerous borders than separates me from my forbidden love.

**Juliet:** WTF. HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET OVER THESE WALLS? AND DON"T SPEW OUT THOSE LOVE BULLSHIT! And half that shit didn't even make sense,,,BTW, LIKE I SAID, my friends will murder you. By murder, I mean, skin you alive, cook your remains in a pot until it's only the skeleton that's left, and then make 32 missiles with it and blow up your mansion.

**Romeo:** Uhh, I was looking for a happier reaction here, buzzkill. Anyways, your eyes are sharper than all their swords. Plus, if you smile, that'll give me all the strength I need to defeat them.

**Juliet:** look, I'm happy for you and all, but stop being such a DUMB SHIT. WE LIVE IN TIMES OF WAR. You're making a huge fucking scene, and everyone will see you!

**Romeo:** I have the cloak of darkness to hide me. Plus, I'd kinda rather die if you told me you didn't love me.

**Juliet:** Cloak of darkness hasn't got shit on the Cloak of Invisibility, so you're pretty much visible to every sniper within 100 meters. BTW, how did you even find me here? How did you know this was my room?

**Romeo:** I mapped out your mansion after I saw you. I knew it would come in use some day.

**Juliet:** It can not get creepier than this.

**Romeo:** JKJK, I was directed here by Love :3

**Juliet:** I'm just not going to comment. I'm getting sick of all this Love talk. He doesn't fucking exist. Btw, do you love me? I know you'll say yes, but I mean, seriously love, swear on something. I find your idiocy charming, and your Edward Cullen like tendencies are very endearing. Anyways, since you were prolly stalking my statuses, you kinda figured all that…so…do you love me?

**Romeo:** I vow on the moon

**Juliet:** I mean, something that actually matters. Not some silver chunk in the sky. Swear on your life.

**Romeo:** Er…sure

**Juliet:** You know what, nvm. This is getting weird. So let's just call it a night, and you can visit me tomorrow.

**Romeo:** C'mon…

**Juliet: **Yes?

**Romeo:** Y'know, giggidy giggidy

**Juliet:** EXCUSE ME? ARE YOU ASKING FOR SEX? I AM NOT SOME SLUT THAT YOU CAN JUST ASK TO HAVE SEX WITH. I AM A STRONG WOMAN, AND YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT IF YOU WANT TO MARRY ME. SO YOU WANT THE WHOLE WOMEN'S RIGHTS ASSOCIATED TO BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE AND THEN SHIT ON THE REMAINS? YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU AND YOUR MYSOGINISTIC VIEWS. KEEP THIS GOING, AND YOU'LL BE DEALING WITH DIVORCE PAPERS AFTER OUR MARRIAGE. FUCKING SEXIEST. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT.

**Romeo:** Whoa…

* * *

Nurse ASLKFSAKJKAFS (from mobile)

* * *

**Juliet** wrote on **Romeo**'s wall: Shit, Nurse is awake. She just butt-facebook'd.

* * *

Romeo Wow. I can't believe this actually happened. I'm not going to pinch myself, in case this is a dream. (from mobile)

* * *

**Juliet **joined the group Romeo's secret love life

**Juliet **wrote on Romeo's secret love life's wall: If you are serious about this, text me tomorrow with the date and time.

* * *

Nurse

**HOOLIET! (from mobile)**

* * *

**Juliet** wrote on Romeo's secret love life's wall: Kay, gtg.

_Comments...view all_

**Romeo: **Alrighty then.

**Juliet:** KAY STOP POSTING. I KEEP ON GETTING NOTIFICATIONS.

* * *

Juliet

**wrote on ****Nurse**'s wall: Next time, don't sleep next to you cell phone, okay?

* * *

**Romeo** ohhh the curvy way the 'g' in her good-bye is formed…it's so beautiful and attractive. Is it weird that I'm attracted to a letter? (from mobile)

* * *

Juliet

**wrote on Romeo's secret love life's wall: You still there? HELLOO?**

_Comments...view all_

**Romeo:** And you come crawling back…

**Juliet:** STFU. I just need to know when to send my messenger.

**Romeo:** 9.

**Juliet:** k thx

**Romeo:** how 'bout I just stand here to make sure you remember?

**Juliet:** You insane? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GARDEN. Look! The snippers are right behind you! RUN ROMEO RUN!

**Romeo:** Then I summon Love in Attack mode! He will protect me from the snippers!

**Juliet:** No, you would have to put it in defence mode to protect you, but it's still a fail, because his def stats is less than three. Wow you fail at Yugioh

**Romeo:** ohh…well Sor-ry! I just got my beginner's deck yesterday.

**Juliet:** okay, now piss off before I barf at the terrible duelist you are. Seriously, you would loss to Thea. And she believes in the _Power of Friendship_.

* * *

**Romeo **I think I'm going to stick to Pokemon. It makes so much more sense. LOL Juliet (from mobile)

* * *

**Romeo **is in a relationship with **Juliet**


	5. Act 2 Scene 3

**A/N:** Well, I finished English last semester, and I'm still not done writing this. but here's act 2 scene 3, where we meet friar laurence! what joy!  
**Disclaimer:** for real.  
**Warning:** CONTAINS DRUG ABUSE as a joke.

**Act 2 Scene 3**

**Friar Laurence **I have a basket on me, jsyk. It's filled with children's tears. (from mobile)

* * *

**Friar Laurence** IMHO, the skies are so…cloudy….and there's so much light everywhere, like that kind of light you see when you get a hangover…it's totally awesome, man…holy shit, the light is burrrrrning my eyes out…duuuddeeee…I need a drink… (from mobile)

* * *

**Friar Laurence** Maann…these weeds here…they smell soooo nice, it reminds me of my mom when he was buried in her womb, man…it was weeeiiiirddd…they did spray lavender parfum everywhere tho (from mobile)

* * *

**Friar Laurence** I feeelll sooo FREEEE and kinda sick….you know kids, never eat herbs, plants and whatever that you see…drug abuse is bad…remember that kids…it'll poison you and you'll die from poison…LOLOLOL I can't say this with a straight face…DRUGS ARE AWESOME AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE WALKING ON SUNSHINE! Heeeheee (from mobile)

Mercutio likes this

* * *

**Friar Laurence** added, Don't do drugs – YOU'LL GET CANCER AND NOT IN THE LUNGS BECAUSE THAT'S SMOKING, That awesome feeling after smoking pot, and Not practicing what you preach to his interests.

**Friar Laurence** joined the group We're so fly like Jesus! We be all brothas from anotha motha. Remember kids, even old men who spend everyday picking herbs and making candies can be gangster like you!

* * *

**Romeo** Today's a great day! I'm gonna see if Ol' Laurence has some awesome advice for me! (from mobile)

* * *

**Romeo** wrote on **Friar Laurence**'s wall: Morning, Popsidoodle!

_Comments…view all_

**Friar Laurence:** Ohhh maan…Romeo…it's so frigging early, calm yourself, dude, like caalllmmm, and go back to bed or sumthin, you gotta take things slooooowwww, y'know…if you're up so early…it's like you didn't sleep last night…heeehee

**Romeo:** You're stoned again, aren't you? *facepalms*

**Friar Laurence:** Nuuuuuu course not! Heehee…you were with ROSALINE! Heeheehee

**Romeo:** Rosaline? LOLNO, who the fuck is Rosaline?

**Friar Laurence:** Good boy, I see that you're taking those aawwweeesomme amnesia pills…they taste like…well not goblin piss that's for suure. Where were you then?

**Romeo:** That's for me to know and you to find out!

Juliet likes this

**Friar Laurence: **ROTFLMAO. But seriously, I don't understand. Teeellll meee whoo you like! Teelll meee! PLEASEEE! Who do you like who do you like who do you like? I wanna knowww!

**Romeo:** My pity for you makes me give in. You live a sad sad life. It's Juliet. And we're gonna get married. By you. Today. After I met her yesterday. Oh yeah, and here's the kicker, she's the Capulet's daughter. I'm totez rebel.

**Friar Laurence:** LOLWHUT? Not cool, maann, totally not cool. Weren't you sobbing your heart out yesterday for Rosaline? Didn't you buy out Basken Robbins because she didn't love you back? You have issues, like, dude, you need help. There's a word for this..

**Romeo:** You mean like, fickle or whatever? I thought you'd be happy, cause you hate me for loving Rosaline…

**Friar Laurence:** No…not fickle, that's pickle…AHA! You're a MAN-WHORE, Romeo! I got it! You're a MAN-WHORE! MAN WHORE! WHOREMEO!

Tybalt likes this

**Romeo:** Okay…. PS: TYBALT GTFO

**Friar Laurence:** WHOREMEO, WHOREMEO, YOU ARE WHOREMEO

**Tybalt:** LOLNO WHOREMEO YOU GONNA GO DOWN LIKE THE TITANIC ON THE ICEBERG.

**Romeo:** jsyk, your metaphor was a classic pick up line. Are you suggesting something, Tybbie? Perhaps some dark closeted secret? Eh? Some twinkle of gayness and sparkles in side your over-compensating buffness? Anyways, Friar, you can shut up too. It wasn't funny the first time, and it's still not funny the next four times

**Tybalt:** STOP BULLYING ME I'M GOING TO TEXT MY HOBBIT BOYFRIEND I MEAN WHAT

**Friar Laurence:** WHOREMEO. It's funny now, right? Hee hee

**Romeo:** Well, a bit I guess.

**Friar Laurence:** Good. Okay go on, Whoremeo.

**Romeo:** Anyways, I love Juliet now, and since I never get anything I want, I would greatly appreciate it if you could just organize a teensy little wedding for us. Nothing big, because I'm not greedy at all. You give the other kids candy, and all I want is a quiet little wedding! Just a wedding, nothing big at all!

**Friar Laurence:** Coolio Whoremeo. This will probz make add onto the head-honcho's current stage of blossoming bromance.

**Romeo:** Seriously, stop calling me Whoremeo, okay?

**Friar Laurence:** ho ho ho, this is just the beginning. I'm friends with Bill Gates, so just you wait! Wait in a non-hasty manner, because that's cool

* * *

**A/N:** yeah im never gonna finish this later dudes


End file.
